In Overthinking About You, Raskin writes about feeling like a “sexual fraud”-sleeping with lots of people, but not really feeling much in the vulva department while she did it. They can make your sexual desires unpredictable. “If you’re struggling with your brain, that’s going to show up in your sex life, most likely.” Anxiety, depression, and OCD (and the medications used to treat them) can affect your sex drive. “I don’t think we talk enough about how sex and intimacy is not just a physical thing, it’s also very psychological,” she says. This book is the first time she really delves into how her disorders have affected that part of herself. Sex happens in your brain, not just in your body.įor years, despite being on the internet and growing up in the age of oversharing, Raskin never publicly talked about her sex life. Be mindful about the fact that obsessing about your dating life can negatively seep into other relationships. Friends may ultimately feel like they can’t help you. This kind of behavior can make friends feel like you’re not listening to them, or that you don’t like their opinion, or that they have to say a thing a certain way in order to please you. Which is classic rumination, classic reassurance-seeking, but it can be confusing to a friend because they’re like, ‘I already told you my opinion.’” “Overly talking about your relationship can end up being really frustrating to your friends,” Raskin says, “because to them, they’ve said their piece, but then you keep asking about it. Sometimes, the harmful dating behaviors prompted by mental health struggles can be made worse by seeking validation from friends, even if you don't realize it. Raskin’s book isn’t just about dating it’s also about how dating and mental illness can collaborate to erode friendships, too. Your friends are there for you, but don’t abuse the privilege. “It’s your job throughout the day, maybe even dozens of times a day, to listen to what your mind is telling you and decide if it’s actually a fact or just a thought,” she writes. “Anxiety, depression, and OCD love to mislabel thoughts as facts,” she writes, and we are particularly vulnerable to this confusion amid rejection and pain. “So cut yourself some slack and a big piece of cake.” Then, gird yourself against a “deep, dark spiral” that can often play tricks on your brain. “You are hurting and that is normal,” Raskin writes. The first step is to acknowledge that a breakup is a legitimate source of loss, so it’s not ridiculous or pathetic to be distraught over one. “dealbreakers.” Instead, create a spectrum: “Needs,” “could happily take but not necessary,” “can handle,” “dealbreakers.” We’re not compatible,” says Raskin, as opposed to assuming, “I’m a piece of shit because they don’t like me back.” Raskin suggests writing a list of what you’re looking for in a relationship, and to not just separate the qualities into “must-haves” vs. It’s about realizing, “Oh, this person doesn’t want to be with me in the way I want to be with them. Liking and knowing yourself can also help you realize that you’re simply not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. You’re not compatible with everyone, so stop blaming yourself (and your mental health). (There’s a difference, for instance, between thinking “Why is my partner’s laugh so annoying?” and “I don’t like the way they talk about my family.”) This also necessitates slowing down and listening to the nature of your anxious or obsessive thoughts, and determining whether they’re rational. “If you have a good sense of yourself, it’s easier to date in a more productive way.”ĭiscovering who you are underneath your symptoms allows you to actually like and appreciate yourself and see the value you bring as a partner. “Know what your triggers are, what your vulnerabilities are, what situations bring out your symptoms more than others,” Raskin says. This is easier said than done, but it’s crucial in order to maintain enough self-esteem while dating. In other words, don’t be too hard on yourself when your disorder flares up. Throughout the book, Raskin stresses the importance of separating the core of who you are from the behaviors your disorder can provoke. Learn to distinguish between you and your disorder.
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